Living and Dying

When I go visit my dad, I see the ending of a life. And here I am strangely trying to create a new life. Dad has had Alzheimer's for over 10 years now. Part of the process was strangely rewarding. But now I'm ready. The man he once was, with all his personality, is gone. There is absolutely nothing left of him now. It used to be that I'd go visit and we'd all get excited just to see him smile, just like you do with a baby. But those days are long gone. The cycle is almost complete. It's just a matter of time (how long, no one knows--could be years still) before he passes on. To me, the sooner the better. I've said my goodbyes and have dealt with the loss. To me, he's already gone. This is no longer my father. And every time I go visit makes it worse. Mom has told me that I don't have to go see him and if I'm true to myself, I don't want to ever again. But what if that one time I didn't go, there was a glimpse? Every once in a while he has a day where he's awake and chatty. We can't tell what the heck he's saying of course, but it's something more than nothing. It's tough going there and not even having him be able to look at me in the eye. If he was dead, I would have a final mourning and then I could move on. But instead it drags on and on. I've been mourning the loss for years already.

On the other end of the life cycle, I'm still trying to get pregnant. I've gone through a torrid of emotions dealing with this as well. I never was someone who had to have a kid. But something changed inside. Maybe it's dealing with the loss of dad, like I'm trying to fill the void with something positive. It's bizarre how obsessive the whole thing has become. I had laparoscopy to clean out the endometriosis in my system, and two months later, ta-da: pregnant! The excitement was short-lived though. The miscarriage was both physically and emotionally painful. And in 5 days I have my 37th birthday, which makes me feel as though time is running out. I usually love my birthday. I'm waiting to take my next pregnancy test in 5 days. Either it will be good news, or it'll be time for a few beers--but a celebration nonetheless.