So here it is, the beginning. And as with most things in life, the first time is both exciting and nerve-wracking. Of course looking back on it I'll see how young and impressionable I was and how I could have said and done things differently. But for today, I guess anything goes......
So maybe for some, being a thirty-something is not the emotional rollercoaster that defines their 20s, but I am not your average Jill. I'm still struggling with who I am and what I want to do with my life, trying to find my passion while being content and accepting of what life throws at me. But then again, I'm not really a "content" type of person.
Right now the biggest thing in my life is my dad's illness. He has had Alzheimer's for 10 years and is now in the "final stages." Although I don't have a clinical description of what the "final stages" are, to me it looks like an overgrown baby, biting and pinching and spitting food across the room, except with a few choice cuss words thrown in. I admit, it hasn't been all bad. During the time when his short term memory was getting worse, it was great to have him tell me over and over and over how great I was, each time like it was the first time he'd ever said it. All of his previous inhibitions were gone, and he said exactly what was on his mind. Sometimes it was funny, like when he'd blurt out within earshot how some woman had a huge rack.
People are always saying to me, 'gosh, it must be tough him not knowing who you are.' Actually, that's the furthest thing from my mind. I'm not exactly positive why that's peoples' biggest fear. The toughest part for me was when he couldn't remember what a phone was called. Or when mom handed him his razor and he looked at it with wonder like it was a rather small UFO.
Of course that was years ago. Now when I visit he stares blankly through me. For years I thought I accepted the whole thing. Joked around about it, was sad here and there, and that's that. But about 5 months ago, he went into the hospital for some bleeding. My sister, mom and I sat there for a few days writing up his obituary and deciding on what to write on his tombstone. (I know it sounds morbid, but it was actually quite healing and very funny.) I thought that was the end and was happy for it all to be over. We had all been through enough, especially mom. But he recovered. It wasn't over.
About two weeks ago I started crying on a daily basis. I'd be chatting with someone and try to say "dad" and it would catch in my throat. I'd end up bawling for so long that people at work began to wonder what the heck's wrong with me. I don't know what changed, but I'm avoiding going to visit him now. I long for his death. I want to stop mourning his decline and start mourning his death. Because HE is no longer there. There's no single piece of him that reminds me of my father except his body. He looks like dad, but it's like someone else took over the wheel.
So after being on the wagon for four months, I've started taking my anti-depressants again. I've been off and on a medley of meds since I was 16, and for some reason thought I could deal with life without them. I'm 36 now, I don't have all that teenage angst anymore. I'm married and have a job and life is pretty stable. But it's still too much. I HATE anti-depressants. Each and every one has some horrible side effect/s that sucks. I've gone full circle back to the one and only, the original, PROZAC. It's only been two days, but already I've had a night of insomnia, which makes for a very difficult day at work and at home. So instead of being inconsolably sad, I'm ready to snap peoples' heads off. Neither all that great for a pleasant workplace or a promotion.
I'm crossing my fingers the drugs work and the side effects don't make life even more difficult. I haven't cried in two days, so I guess they're doing something. But it's in my nature to feel, to emote. I wear my feelings all over my face. But it's not acceptable to show all feelings at all times. Unless, of course, your feelings are always good. And then you're just annoying.
So that's it. The first post. It wasn't the best, but just hold on, hopefully it'll get better.
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